


Intro to Breaking Down

by spacetimeinspector



Category: Community (TV)
Genre: Abed’s POV, Angst, M/M, Post geothermal escapism, i guess depictions of depression? if you read it that way
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-14
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:20:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25898860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacetimeinspector/pseuds/spacetimeinspector
Summary: Abed wasn’t a crier, historically.In which Abed visits Troy in the Dreamatorium after he leaves to sail the world.
Relationships: Troy Barnes/Abed Nadir
Comments: 9
Kudos: 70





	Intro to Breaking Down

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this at 5am the other day bc I couldn’t get the concept out of my mind. I wasn’t sure how to end this but I hope it’s okay!! it’s one of the shortest fics I’ve ever written but I couldn’t think of anything to add lol. sorry if the formatting is a bit off. 
> 
> this is my first angst in a while, I hope it’s good :) please tell me if you think I should tag anything!!

Abed wasn’t a crier, historically. He didn’t cry during sad movies, or when bullies would hurt him in high school, or when Pierce died. He didn’t even cry when his mum left, he was so young that things were only numb and confusing back then, leading to episodes that his dad didn’t know how to handle. He never seemed to cry when he was supposed to, when everyone else’s eyes would well up and he was expected to join, he just couldn’t. It wasn’t in him. 

That being said, there were still times where the dam would break. He’d get lost in his thoughts and scenarios and anxieties, then something inside him would snap and the floodgates would open. Those days he’d spend huddled in his bed, away from the rest of the world. He couldn’t do anything but let it pass. He never liked to cry in front of people, sometimes he wondered if it was possible for him to even just tear up when there was a possibility of being caught out. 

There was one day, though, where Troy was there to witness the destruction that ripped through him. Abed couldn’t even recall what had caused it, but he could recall Troy scrambling down from the top bunk and trying to calm him down as best as he could. Even though the situation scared Troy, he still took care of Abed as if it was his responsibility, as if it were the most important thing in the world. Abed could recall Troy getting a glass of water for their night stand, gathering Abed in his arms and shushing him as he sobbed, his hand running through Abed’s hair in an attempt to comfort him. They’d sat like that for an hour before Abed could even speak, though thankfully Troy didn’t try to coax a word out of him the whole time. It was as if Troy was scared that talking would break Abed beneath him, and honestly it might’ve. So they sat in silence, save for the shushing and a small “thank you” from Abed, and then everything was eventually fine, like always.

Abed wasn’t a crier, historically. But that was until Troy was ripped from his life like the waves ripped through the ocean - well, maybe that was a little too on the nose. Troy’s departure felt like being gutted alive, his insides were gone and replaced with cold, dense stones. His other half, his joyful, excitable, radiant half was gone. He felt heavy all the time, dragging his body from point A to point B like it was a chore, the stones rattling inside his gut as if they were taunting him. 

Before, he couldn’t even cry at a funeral, but now he would find himself tearing up at fast food commercials. He would rewatch an episode of Inspector Spacetime that had never conjured much emotion before, but he now had to turn it off halfway through for fear of his composure breaking. His dam was becoming more and more fragile, the stones inside him wearing away at the branches the same way his teeth wore at his bottom lip, the same way his fingers wore at the loose thread on his cardigan. He wouldn’t even sob like before, usually, sometimes he’d just be laying on his side and tears would stream out with no apparent cause. He had stopped caring if Annie saw him crying, he had to. He would tear up so often during the day that he didn’t have much of a choice, though thankfully she had the heart to never point it out. 

It was a particularly bad night. Abed had kept himself intact for the day, but he couldn’t find it in him to sleep. Sometimes, crying himself to sleep helped, but he didn’t want another night of anxieties bubbling over. He couldn’t take many more nights like that, he wanted peace. He didn’t want to go a whole night without sleep, nighttime just made his worries louder. After laying in the silence for hours, he knew he had to do something to get the loneliness out of his thoughts. 

His eyes roamed his bedroom, illuminated only by the moonlight and street lamps shining through his curtains, and his eyes landed on a tall cardboard box that he had been ignoring ever since he moved into Troy’s former room. The makeshift Dreamatorium he had made just before their senior year. He hadn’t even looked at it since Troy left, he couldn’t bring himself to. But he stopped to consider it for a moment - maybe it was what he needed. This way, Troy could still be there with him, even just for a moment. 

He slowly peeled himself off the bed and opened the cardboard door as he approached it. Without a second thought, he sat cross legged on the floor of the Dreamatorium and closed the flap in front of him. 

He took a deep, shaky breath, then whispered “Render environment: Troy slash Abed.” 

Abed and Troy were sitting on the bottom bunk, Troy was laughing at a joke that Abed had told, happy as ever. God, he missed that smile. 

“Hey, Troy, do you want to play Inspector Spacetime later?”

_“When would I ever say no to that?”_ Troy looked so full of joy, it made Abed’s chest tighten. God, he missed that voice. 

“What else do you want to do today?”

_“Hmm, I’m not sure. I guess we’ll eat buttered noodles dinner and… how about a movie marathon? I know I promised you ages ago that I’d let you show me some horror movies.”_

“Yeah,” Abed choked out, “I know you’re gonna love Scream. It’s very meta.”

“ _I trust you. It’s almost like you know my interests better than I do.”_ Troy shook his head with a smile, so full of trust and full of warmth that Abed could almost feel it if he concentrated hard enough. 

“Sometimes I feel that way about you, too.” Abed felt the stones wearing away at his dam, threatening to tumble over. Silent tears streamed down his face, landing in his lap. 

But it was okay, because dreamatorium-Abed wasn’t crying. Because dreamatorium-Troy hadn’t left him to explore the world. There was no reason to be crying in there, he should be happy. 

“I love you, you know?” 

Troy’s smile grew wider and if the real Troy were there Abed knew he’d be radiating enough warmth to power the sun. “ _I know. I love you, too.”_

“You’ve taught me more about myself than I could’ve ever dreamed. You’ve shown me a world that I could only hope for before. You mean so much more to me than you could ever know.” Abed’s shirt dampened from his stream of tears, there was no point in stopping them, anyway. 

“ _You’ve taught me so much, too. You know that. I’ve always told you that and it will always be true.”_

“I know. I just have to keep remembering.” 

He squeezed his eyes shut, aching to remember the last night before Troy’s departure. 

They had laid on Troy’s bed, silently agreeing not to let go of each other until the morning, until they absolutely had to. They had so many things that they wanted to say, needed to say to each other but they could barely speak. All they could do was breathe each other in, eyes roaming to memorize every detail of the other’s face. 

Troy scrambled desperately to find the words within himself and broke their long stretch of silence, “Thank you.” Abed hummed in a questioning manner, “Thank you for showing me how to live life without worrying what others think about me all the time. Thank you for showing me how life can be enjoyable.”

Their eyes met and Abed found his voice, “Thank you for showing me that life isn’t just something that happens to you, that it’s something I can participate in and actually experience. Before you my life was one-dimensional.”

Their eyes bore into each other’s souls and Troy allowed his facade to fall, tears stinging at his eyes without shame. “I love you.”

Abed could’ve sworn something broke in his chest at that moment, something that didn’t even exist before Troy came into his life. He didn’t know if it could ever be repaired. “I love you, too.”

Troy must’ve felt it too. “I’ll come back for you.”

In the memory, Abed reached out to lace his fingers with Troy’s, and as he reached forward to do so in the dreamatorium, instead of Troy’s warm, comforting, calloused hands he was met with the cold, stiff wall of cardboard in front of him. 

And the last stone drops. 

A sob ripped through Abed’s throat, he was sputtering helplessly, bringing his knees to his chest. One of his hands ran through his hair, trailing down to the back of his head. Where he hoped he’d find the comfort of Troy’s roaming hand he’d found nothing, no one to lull him into calmness this time. No one to hold him, not anymore. 

Troy was gone, and that was reality. He couldn’t play pretend forever. 

He crawled out of the Dreamatorium and onto his bed, the meek cardboard walls surrounding him had suddenly felt suffocating. He curled up into himself tightly as he lay, trying to hold himself together metaphorically as well as literally. 

He knew, logically, that there was nothing he could do to help his situation, so why not take it as it is? Logically, Troy being gone would help them each grow as individuals, thus making their bond stronger when they reunite. Logically, Troy’s trip should only take a little over a year, as did other worldwide trips before his. But being logical wasn’t making the pain any lesser, this was a new terrain that couldn’t just be problem-solved away. He didn’t have his emotion-driven Constable to help him get through this, he was stuck in a turmoil that he couldn’t think his way out of. 

One thought scared him the most. 

Logically, Troy could never come home. 

As sobs shook through him he had to remind himself: _There’s nothing I can do to change this, I have to accept this situation. It’ll be okay. I have friends, they will always help me._

_Troy will come back._

_Troy loves me._

_Troy will come back for me._

It was okay, he knew crying himself to sleep always helped in the end anyway. He could add another night to that tally. 

The next morning a caved in, black and orange box sat crumpled in the garbage bin behind their apartment building. It was a non-event, no one walking past would’ve given it a second glance. Nobody but Abed knew the significance of such an object, only he knew of the memories, the adventures, the joy that came alive in there. Things he opted not to relive again, not until Troy was back by his side. 

**Author's Note:**

> feedback is appreciated!! and if anyone reads this and likes the concept of abed visiting troy in the dreamatorium I’d love to see how other people would write it!! idk I just think the concept is fun to play around with


End file.
